I work full time. Monday to Friday, 8am-5pm.
I went from working with seniors to children.
I sometimes wonder how my life has worked out this way.
I mean, I moved to this town to be closer to my girlfriend...
And for the job opportunity.
But I mean, I work with year olds now,
and I can honestly say each one of them is a blessing to me.
Every "please and thank you". Every smile and hug.
When they get so excited to see me when I start my shift,
and cry when I leave for lunch.
Blessings. They make me smile each day, even when I feel like crying.

Today I was trying to nap one of my more challenging boys. Hes 3. And hes a handful. So getting him settled down and in one spot takes more than a few minutes. Today was my turn to my nap him. I told him "Night night, Love you." and his big blue eyes stared into mine. He stirred abit more looking at me.. and then he eventually got comfortable, and settled. I rubbed his back untill he fell asleep, and I wont lie. I cried. Yet again. Just because hes not mine, yet I shared a special moment napping him. And I guess I realized that if I make it out of this battle with the cancer, I could look into adoption. Which wasnt really an option before because I was so set on having my own babies.

I think I am definately blessed at my current job working with babies. They make me smile, and make my job worth doing.

Tonight was eventful to say the least. My mum convinced me to go to a friends Halloween party, so I reluctantly went.
Ginger was with me- as always. And as always we got into an argument. [when we drink we tend to fight. So we shouldn't drink]
Anyways. The most eventful thing I can think of was at the end of the night. Some random walking past ginger and I started making derogatory comments to me,,,, ginger, wouldn't have any of it and mouthed off to him about how he should leave her girlfriend alone.. The random guy then told her he would.. well.. Do inappropriate things to me.. She again told him to watch his mouth and then this guy grabs her and smashes her face into the pavement.
You better believe I was angry betong belief and tried to grab the guy but ginger yelled at me to get back and then she faught back. She had him on the ground but the second time he threw her into the cement and ran- I ran inside to get help. She chased him for a good 10 blocks and 4 of us followed in my car.
Ginger and 2 others went on foot after him but we never did find him.
I couldn't even believe that a guy would grab a girl and throw her, and there's no doubt in my mind that the only reason it happened was because we are gay.
And I know for a fact if I was outside by myself he would have raped me by the things he was saying. So I guess I experianced my first "hate crime" here. It honestly disgusts me that it happened and I'm not gonna lie, it makes me scared to be an open and out lesbian in this town. Ginger is okay. She's got some cuts on her hands and side. But she put up an amazing fight. I never could have physically done anything to keep that ass hole away but when I got close enough to grab him off her ginger yelled at me to get back.
With the cancer lately I'm so angry I'm curious about what my adrenaline could have done against him. Yet I know he would have done terrible things to me had ginger not been there.
And about the tears. Ginger and I definately cried together about the cancer again tonight. I hate it. I also called another friend and informed her I'm "sick" with cancer. We had a good conversation I guess. It still sucks having to tell people. I guess I should get used to it.

crying.. when will my eyes run dry!

Ive already failed at updating everyday. But in all honesty. All I do is cry these days anyways. Its the little things that have made me start massively bawling like theres no tomorrow.

I had a shower last night, and when I had my hair wrapped in a towel I caught a glimpse of just my face in the mirror and I thought to myself that I may very well have no hair after chemotherapy. I of course started crying.

I currently live with my boss in her basement. (Its really nice) I went to put my clothes in the dryer but realized that her clothes were in. I absent mindedly started folding her clothes for her. But it was her kids clothes. She has two boys, 4 and 2 years old. Tiny little gitch and socks. Cute pyjamas. As I folded I realized that I will never get to do this for my own kids. Because before Christmas both my ovaries will have been taken from me. Again. I cried.

Im trying so hard to only deal with the cancer at this point. I am in a relationship. My girlfriend, I'll call her Ginger, has been amazing so far. Shes been supportive, and letting me cry on her shoulder.. and even cried with me. Shes helping me by having her friend who is a councellor get me a councellor I can start seeing because right now I know Im building up ALOT of anger about this whole cancer thing. And getting drunk in my room alone at night isnt going to solve anything. (Ive only done that once so far. It was 2am and I couldnt sleep so I cracked open my second ever in my life beer and started drinking.. pathetic.. I know)

I really am not ready to accept the fact that this is now my reality. People asking, "Are you okay?!" .. "How do you feel?".. "Why arent you more upset!!" Ugh. I hate it. I really do. And I know they care and are trying to be nice. But cant you just see me as I was before?? Im the same person. I dont feel sick. Though my body is sick. I dont feel it yet. I havent changed any. Just the words "You have cancer" make me a bit different. And as to the ever so popular, "Youre handling this so well.. why arent you crying right now?!"... Trust me. I cry in my car while driving. I cry when Im in bed at night. I cry in the shower. I cry when I think of the little things I'll never get to do. I cry on my lunch breaks. I cry when people arent around to see. So just because I look "composed" and "okay".. Im really not. Im bawling and freaking out on the inside. Dont worry.

New Blog.

I'll start by saying my name is Scarlet. Im 23 years old and yesterday I was told that I have ovarian cancer.

I am beyond terrified. And I have cried over a million tears since I heard those dreaded words. I decided I would start a new blog. To keep everyone up to date, as well as to help myself cope with this whole thing. Im having a really hard time right now dealing with this.
I dont think its fair that I have cancer. Im 23. Im young. Im healthy. I want to get pregnant and have babies. I dont want to fight this. I dont want to be told theres a chance I might die before I get to fall madly in love, get married, travel to tropical beaches and have curly haired babies. I hate it.

If you'd have asked me last week where I saw myself in five years.. I'd have told you I saw myself married. A home owner to a big house with a front porch where I could sit outside and read. And pregnant, or raising my baby.
I would have never guessed I'd tell you I'd be battling ovarian cancer- at the age of 23.. when my life is just getting ready to start.

This didnt just come as a surprise. If you know me, You know that I was told last Jan. That I had a cyst on my ovary. The specialist was monitoring it, but it had eventually grown to the size where it needed to be removed. I went under the knife on September 28th, 2010 and I had the cyst removed. The specialist/surgeon informed my parents that she felt it was benign . And I was relieved.

However yesterday morning I recieved a phone call asking if I could be back in the city that afternoon for an appointment with my specialist. I said no, It was a 3 hour drive and I was at work untill 5pm.
The doctor then made the decision to tell me over the phone that I indeed had cancer. She gave me the medical name for it, but to be honest I dont remember what it was. It is located in my ovary though. And it is the type of cancer that can spread. We wont know untill November 8th how bad it really is.

Im going to stop now. Because I again am overwhelmed with tears in my eyes.

I guess so far what Ive learnt.. is that life is short. Tell your friends and family you love them. And never go to sleep angry.

Bye for now.
-S