crying.. when will my eyes run dry!

Ive already failed at updating everyday. But in all honesty. All I do is cry these days anyways. Its the little things that have made me start massively bawling like theres no tomorrow.

I had a shower last night, and when I had my hair wrapped in a towel I caught a glimpse of just my face in the mirror and I thought to myself that I may very well have no hair after chemotherapy. I of course started crying.

I currently live with my boss in her basement. (Its really nice) I went to put my clothes in the dryer but realized that her clothes were in. I absent mindedly started folding her clothes for her. But it was her kids clothes. She has two boys, 4 and 2 years old. Tiny little gitch and socks. Cute pyjamas. As I folded I realized that I will never get to do this for my own kids. Because before Christmas both my ovaries will have been taken from me. Again. I cried.

Im trying so hard to only deal with the cancer at this point. I am in a relationship. My girlfriend, I'll call her Ginger, has been amazing so far. Shes been supportive, and letting me cry on her shoulder.. and even cried with me. Shes helping me by having her friend who is a councellor get me a councellor I can start seeing because right now I know Im building up ALOT of anger about this whole cancer thing. And getting drunk in my room alone at night isnt going to solve anything. (Ive only done that once so far. It was 2am and I couldnt sleep so I cracked open my second ever in my life beer and started drinking.. pathetic.. I know)

I really am not ready to accept the fact that this is now my reality. People asking, "Are you okay?!" .. "How do you feel?".. "Why arent you more upset!!" Ugh. I hate it. I really do. And I know they care and are trying to be nice. But cant you just see me as I was before?? Im the same person. I dont feel sick. Though my body is sick. I dont feel it yet. I havent changed any. Just the words "You have cancer" make me a bit different. And as to the ever so popular, "Youre handling this so well.. why arent you crying right now?!"... Trust me. I cry in my car while driving. I cry when Im in bed at night. I cry in the shower. I cry when I think of the little things I'll never get to do. I cry on my lunch breaks. I cry when people arent around to see. So just because I look "composed" and "okay".. Im really not. Im bawling and freaking out on the inside. Dont worry.